Why Does Love Hurt? And Helpful Tips for Healing
We want love to be a joyful and peaceful experience, but that’s not always the case. In fact, it’s not uncommon to ask, “why does love hurt?”
Below, I’ll discuss why you might experience pain with love and how you can move forward with calmness and clarity. I’ll share science-backed insights and my personal beliefs as a spiritual mentor who helps people get unstuck, discover their truth, and create a meaningful life.
Why Does Love Hurt? Common Reasons
Sometimes, it feels like love hurts because of vulnerability, attachment needs, unmet expectations, and broken heart syndrome. This can affect you whether you’re in a relationship, coming out of one, or experiencing a relationship rut.
Vulnerability
Falling in love usually requires vulnerability by sharing emotions, thoughts, and beliefs with others. Vulnerability allows two people to get to know each other more, which often creates feelings of love.
The tricky part is that being vulnerable can also lead to disappointment. You might become hurt by love either because you’re scared to be vulnerable or because the outcome after showing vulnerability isn’t what you hoped for. For example, if someone rejects you after you open up about your feelings, that can feel extremely hurtful.
Brain Chemistry and Attachment Needs
As infants, a healthy bond with caregivers is crucial for survival – and that’s where brain chemistry and attachment needs begin.
Our brains are wired for attachment, so it makes sense that love would hurt if you feel disconnected from an important person in your life. This is also why many studies show that people are profoundly impacted by their social environment, and we suffer greatly when bonds are threatened or broken.
Unmet Expectations
Research shows that unmet expectations are associated with lower relationship satisfaction. So whether or not you’re still in that relationship, it may feel painful if you have unmet expectations.
It’s also common for people to expect a relationship to complete them, which can naturally lead to disappointment and confusion. Society has taught us that relationships are a necessary piece of the puzzle that makes us whole. This is why we often stay in or want to repair relationships that cause us pain.
Past Experiences
Whether you’re in a relationship or trying to heal from one, past experiences can make love hurt. If you have past relationship trauma, it can be difficult to experience love in a way that feels good.
For example, if you’ve had a toxic relationship before, it may be challenging to feel safe and happy in a new relationship. Or if a relationship has just ended abruptly, it’s normal to experience negative emotions while you process and move forward from the experience.
Broken Heart Syndrome
If you’ve ever wondered why you feel physical pain when you have a broken heart, there’s science to back it up.
Broken heart syndrome, or stress cardiomyopathy, is a condition that causes your heart muscle to weaken. When you experience a stressful event such as relationship turmoil, your body produces hormones, including adrenaline, to cope with the stress. Excess adrenaline can cause a decrease in blood flow to the heart, which can actually lead to pain and discomfort.
Helpful Tips for Healing When Love Hurts
Love can hurt so badly that you might feel like you’ll never recover. However, most people agree that painful situations related to relationships never last forever.
There are many helpful techniques for healing when love hurts, such as exploring tantra, embracing your feminine and masculine, feeling your pain, and practicing self-care.
Explore Tantra
Tantra is a kind of meditation that can help remove obstacles between your body, mind, and spirit. It allows you to release conditioning so you can return to your natural state for pure awareness and bliss.
You can explore Tantra with a significant other or by yourself and experience many benefits, including emotional regulation, healing, and improved intimacy with yourself and others.
The following steps can help you practice Tantra:
Focus on your breath - Close your eyes. Deeply inhale through your nose, hold for a moment, and then exhale through your mouth.
Engage your senses - Bring full awareness to your body and senses, noticing smells, sounds, and tastes.
Move and let energy flow - Move your body by swaying or dancing, or simply notice the energy in your body. Release rigidity and prioritize surrendering over control.
Use a mantra or visualization - Chant a mantra or practice a visualization that your soul needs and that brings you peace.
Surrender into stillness - After breathwork and movement, take time to be still and rest in the vast silence of your pure being.
Embrace Your Feminine and Masculine
Love often hurts because we’re not getting what we need from another person. When you can embrace both your feminine and masculine energy and let them dance together, you can provide yourself with everything you need.
For example, you may experience emotional pain because you feel invalidated or not taken care of. Let your feminine energy feel those emotions while your masculine energy validates and supports you through that pain.
Allow Love to Separate
We think of love as being all about connection – merging together as one. But what if we look at love as a sacred separation?
We often confuse attachment for love, control for care, and possession for passion. We believe love should be forever, and leaving is a failure. This almost always causes pain, whether you’re in a relationship or separating from one.
If we can allow for space, like two trees standing side by side and rooted in their own soil, we can untangle dependency. Loving without clinging allows us to experience love while honoring the truth, which can lead to less pain.
Be Present
I believe that a hidden secret to love is presence. Instead of chasing and fixing, simply show up.
Whether you’re mending a relationship or healing from one, presence is the most intimate act you can give others and yourself. Shift from thinking about a timeline and chasing outcomes to enjoying the present moment.
Meditation is one of the best ways to practice being present, and it’s helped me achieve peace and healing in my own life.
Honor Your Pain
Jason N. Linder, Doctor of Psychology, confirms that suppressing emotions can cause them to strengthen. So, you must process your grief in order to overcome it. But processing your feelings doesn’t have to mean “fixing” them.
Our emotions and experiences aren’t always problems to solve. Instead of trying to fix or suppress your emotions, I recommend honoring them, which ultimately helps you process them.
To honor your pain, try the following:
Sit with your emotions and let them speak to you
Journal your raw, unfiltered thoughts
Meditate while allowing your feelings to exist without judgment
Do a creative project, such as painting or cooking
Practice Self-Care
When we talk about self-care, bubble baths and spa days often come up. But self-care is any activity that feels good for you.
What do you feel called to do? Maybe you explore your inner child to figure this out. You might practice meditation and get to know yourself and your deepest desires.
When you practice self-care in ways that feel authentic and genuinely good to you, you can transform yourself and your experiences. This can help you discover yourself, deepen connections, and improve your well-being.
Get Support
Love hurts sometimes, but you can grow and heal – and you’re not alone.
If you’d like support on your journey, you might consider the following resources:
Advanced Tantra Mastery - Get 1:1 support to discover inner peace and resilience and experience personal growth
Cosmic Circle - Surround yourself with people on a similar journey while exploring Tantra, intimacy, and spiritual independence
The Leela Show Podcast - Listen to episodes that can help you get clarity and create a life that’s meaningful for you
